Worried about my Daddy
His last message to me and his bf was “dad could go at any time” (meaning his dad). That was last night. He was spending the night at a friend’s place to be near the hospital, so naturally I’m wondering what’s going on today.
This is a gift I got my Daddy in our first year together. His cat had just died, and I wanted him to have someone to welcome him home to his apartment. (I guess I also wanted him to think of me). He took this pic and sent it to me in a “Good Morning” email. Two and a half weeks later, he sent me a second pic of the bear I gave him with his older bear.
I loved getting those pics. It meant he was thinking of me, and that I important enough to him that he would go to the trouble to set up these shots just for me.
My Daddy’s dad is dying
My Daddy’s dad is dying :(
I’m sad for my Daddy… he’s got so much to deal with even apart from that. I’m also sad for his dad. It can’t be fun to die. I’m also sad for myself and for everybody else, ‘cause we all lose the people in our lives, one by one… sometimes when they die, and oftentimes much sooner.
I know too many people with cancer. Too many people with AIDS. Too many old people. Too many hurt people. I know them because they’re the only ones who will open up.
Happy people are all strangers to me. I don’t want to know any happy people, because the unfairness of their happiness fills me with a resentment so deep and so hard that it feels like hatred.
My Daddy, when asked, says that he’s happy. But he also admits that he represses everything. So when questioned further about this happiness, it becomes a conundrum.
My Daddy sleeps at night. I don’t know how he does it. It’s a mystery. He just lies down and goes to sleep. I stay up and I think and feel. There’s no time for thinking and feeling in the daytime, ‘cause one has to do things in the daytime. There’s my work life. That’s one of my lives, and it feels very artificial and fake when I’m not at work. Then there’s the life of overwhelming chores that I have to do to keep my life going. That’s the life I dread, the life I work hard at pushing myself through, because I have let that part of my life go before, and it was disastrous. I’m still trying to catch up. Then there’s my thinking and feeling life. That is the one that feels like my real life. It encroaches on my other two lives, but it makes it hard for me to get things done, so I try not to let it encroach too much. I block it out in order to function.
Sometimes the thinking and feeling life is allowed by others into my interactions with them. That is when I am closest to being happy. For example, when I am talking about our suicidal feelings with my sister - who, by the way, has cancer so bad she was given 3 months to live about six months ago - that’s when I really feel alive. She’s fighting it and doing very well, so I’m feeling hopeful and positive for her. I also am glad that we finally reconnected, so I want her to stick around so that we can continue to get to know one another. It’s important in life that somebody know you. It’s especially important to my sister and me, because we have gone through life feeling unknown.
Sleep is also important, and perhaps I should try to do that now. I’m sorry to stick you with this awkward ramble… I needed somewhere to put my thoughts, and, well, this started with me thinking of my Daddy, so I put it here.
I miss my Daddy. Where is he, anyway?
My Daddy showed me this 1948 movie, because I am like the boy with green hair. It was one of the strangest movies I’d seen, so of course it is also one of my favorites. It is about a boy who wakes up one day with green hair and becomes ostracized. “Nature Boy” was its theme song.
There was a boy
A very strange enchanted boy
They say he wandered very far, very far
Over land and sea
A little shy
And sad of eye
But very wise
Was he
And then one day
A magic day he came my way
And while we spoke of many things, fools and kings
This he said to me
“The greatest thing
You’ll ever learn
Is just to love
And be loved
In return”
(click the YouTube link to see the full story behind this song)
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